Ineffable
by Stessa
Summary: -Troyella- 'I feel so cold, Troy,' she whispers, her voice is raw and full of pain, and you almost cringe by the sound of it, 'so empty.'


**Ineffable **

by _Stessa _

You have no idea how you're ever going to get through this. You're scared that this happened to you and you fear that if you could take it back, you would. You hope that this will not ruin the perfect relationship you've had with her over the past year. Sure, you're all about to part, but both of you were determined to make this work. It didn't matter that you would be so far apart, you were sure that you guys would be together.

But now you're not so sure any longer for you feel so wrong about all this. When she told you, she had tears in her eyes. Her hair was tied back in a loose bun and she looked like she hadn't slept for days. She was worried, but you instantly took her in your arms. You forgot your own worry and took care of her. She needed you now and you knew that. She was still the most important person to you, no matter what. You could always freak out later and call your best friend to vent. She was what worried you the most.

She didn't want to have it, she said. You agreed with her, even if you didn't want to. You had never believed to ever end in a position like this. You had never dreamed of it. Certainly not hoped for it. It was surreal, but the two of you had to make a decision. You discussed it back and forth. She had dreams, so had you. She wanted to go to that school and you wanted to play basketball. Without really saying it out loud, you agreed to call a doctor.

You didn't like it, and you knew she didn't either. But you didn't know what else to do. You were only kids, how were you supposed to take care of another person? You barely had control to take care of yourself – you weren't sure where to go with your life yet, and she was also there. She needed you. You didn't feel good about it, but you picked up that phone and dialled that number for her, because she had tears streaming down her cheeks and she was trembling like never before.

You look at her now, as she sits before you. Her hair is tied back like that other day and she's in one of those white gowns. You want to call the whole thing off because you can't live with the guilt. You can't live with this forever. She doesn't speak. She hasn't said a word to you since that day you called the doctor. Her mother is out of town so you told your parents you would be staying with her for the weekend. But you're here instead, and you'll go to her place tomorrow and act like nothing happened.

She looks weak when she lies back on the bed, and you want to hold her and hug her and never let go. But you're not sure how to. You don't want to do anything wrong, and while you've been focused so much on her, you're scared to think about how you're going to feel once you're at home in your own room with no one there to disturb you. You wonder if you're ever going to get through this. You feel bad for this little person, this person you created out of love, but never got to see life. You're sorry for everything you've done and you really do wish you hadn't taken her dress off that evening.

She wishes it too, you know that. Her eyes are closed tightly, and you know she's scared too. Not only for them and their relationship like you are, but also for the baby and for what's going to happen to it. Does it know it's about to die? She's scared for herself as well. You're not the one who has to go through all this. You get to sit on your behind in those hard, plastic hospital chairs, and you think that maybe it would be better to be like her; out of there. Away from everything. So you wouldn't know what's happening.

You kiss her hand before you leave the room, but she doesn't respond. Her hand is cold and you want to ask her if she's okay, but since you already know the answer you figure what's the purpose. She hasn't spoken for so long. You wonder if she'll even remember how to. You think her mother noticed it too before she left. You know your friends did. Her best friend has been so concerned, but you didn't know what to tell her when she asked what was up.

You wish you could have told her, you think, as you sit down. The hard, plastic hospital chair is red. On the other side of the room they're blue. You don't know why you notice, but you do. You have to focus on something while you're losing your mind. You're sure you're about to. How can anyone be this confused and then things turn out okay? You're sure that something is seriously going to go wrong and for a moment you're afraid you'll lose her too. You feel like a part of you stayed in that room when you left, and as you watch the clock tick and tick, you're about to go back in there and tell them to stop.

You force yourself to stay. The decision is made. You used all your money. You have no idea how you'll explain to your parents where they went and you know your father will look down at you with those eyes. He's always been so proud of you, but lately there's nothing to be proud of. What happened to you? Did you fall in love? You know you love her and that you'll do anything for her. But was that what changed you? You know you're not the person you used to be. Two weeks ago you were, but suddenly you had to grow up and it was all too fast.

She doesn't want anyone to know, she says it'll be your horrible little secret. You strangely enough agree with her, even if you have already told your best friend and wouldn't take it back. You share everything with that dude and this was no exception. You close your eyes and take in a deep breath. If you could just get some sleep, maybe it would all go easier. She will be okay when you wake up and you will take her home and you two will talk about this. Because you really need to. You need to hear her say something to you. You want to know how she's feeling because she hasn't said anything to you for so long. You wish she would, but it's harder than you think.

You feel wrong. You feel like the world will never be right again no matter how many good things that come your way. You don't understand how some people can be so okay with this. How some girls can do this so often, like it is no big deal, like a part of them don't die too. You think you will never be happy again. There is a huge hole in your stomach and you're not sure how to fix it. But that is not even the worst part. The worst part is the incredible gap in your heart. You feel like it was ripped out and played with and you wonder if it will ever be fixed. You don't even think she could repair it if she tried. You don't even know if she would try for you. Her heart has a gap too.

When you see her again the next day she doesn't look like herself. Her appearance is the same; the same hair and eyes and sad smile. The smile you love so much. But something about her has changed. She's not the girl you used to know. She grew up too. And you realize, maybe you both did, but maybe that was how it had to happen. That doesn't make it any less hard for you both when you leave the building and you help her to your car. She's doesn't walk too well and tears keep streaming down her face.

Her eyes are hollow like you haven't seen before; you can only see them when you glance to her side briefly and her face is reflected in the window of your car. It's raining outside and it fits your mood perfectly. It's winter and maybe you will be happy once the sun comes back.

When you get inside, your parents and her mother are there. You know immediately, by the look from your father, that they know. Her mother found the test in the trash when she got home a day early and she called your parents. They hadn't known what to do, but maybe they had had a slight feeling where you were. You both look at the three adults, and you don't know how to feel. She's whimpering next to you in your coat that is way too big for her, and your father looks at you. He's disappointed and you know it.

You swallow loudly and she takes one look at her mother, before she hurries up the stairs to her room. Her mother doesn't even follow. You both know her so well. Of course she would want to be alone. But you wonder if she will ever see you again. You hope she will, but you also know that nothing will ever be the same. Why did this happen to you? So many other people would have been okay with this. So many grown-ups would want a child, and here you two are, stuck with the guilt and the pain of something you never knew.

You suddenly wish to turn back time. Not to the night everything started, but to just two days ago so you could prevent this. It could have worked. Sure, you wouldn't have played basketball, but you would have felt much better. You wouldn't have felt wrong or hollow. You would have felt good. Happy, maybe?

Your mother cries when she puts her arms around you, and you awkwardly hug her back. Your father tells you that everything will work out, but he's also concerned for you. He wants to know why you two didn't tell them, but you can do nothing but shrug. You don't really know why you didn't tell him. It feels weird when you think about it, but it was the decision you made, so that be it. You just wish that maybe you had done so, because then maybe she wouldn't be in her room right now without you. Maybe you would have been better and you would have talked about it.

Her mother hugs you too and you say to her that you're sorry. She reassures you. It's okay, she says, and you know you have to go see to her. You pull away and go up the stairwell. You can hear her cries already by the stairs and you wish you could take away her pain. If you could take her pain, she would be fine. You would hurt even more, but that doesn't matter to you. You want her to be okay, you want her to smile and see her eyes light up again. You want her to forget everything and move on to that bright future you're sure she has.

You knock on her door but she doesn't hear you, or maybe she does and doesn't say anything, so you just step right in. She's sitting on her bed. Her hair is wet from the rain outside and her face is wet from her tears. She looks so tiny in your big coat. You step closer and sit down close to her. You take her hand and hold it tight. She's still so cold, but you're not sure how to warm her, even if you wanted to. You just sit there. Her gaze is anywhere but at you, and her breath is slow and ragged. You wonder if you both will ever get through this and feel alive again. If you will ever feel whole.

There is a tension between you two, and you know it'll be there for a long time if not forever. You're not sure what to say. You hate that she feels like this, and you wish you could do anything to make her feel better. She looks up at you then, and you squeeze her hand, happy that at least she's still there with you. Her face is emotionless and her eyes, normally so full of love and warmth and life, are cold and you know they will be so for a very long time.

"I feel so cold, Troy," she whispers, her voice is raw and full of pain, and you almost cringe by the sound of it, "so empty."

You squeeze her hand again, and you know exactly what she means because you feel the same, even if you're both in this together, you have never felt more secluded, "I know, Gabriella…" You tell her, because it's the only thing you can say, the only thing you can even piece together in your empty mind, "I know."

* * *

_Sorry, I had to get this out of my head. It became very important to me to get this written, even if I had decided against it. There's so many fics out there dealing with this subject, but I hope I handled it differently and delicately._

_ I wrote this a long time ago but struggled with the title. Now I found it, so I hope it suits the story._

_I would love to hear your opinions on this. _

_**Disclaimer; **__I don't own HSM. _


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